traumfahrrad

I’ve been cordially invited to present prizes and speak at the annual CTT beanfeast, also known as “Champions’ Night”. It’s very exciting and I’m now fairly certain they haven’t made a catastrophic error, having seen the invitations in print. There is still time for a general recall and pulping though.

I will be presenting prizes to the various winners of various races throughout the year. I will then be talking for an indeterminate period of time where I attempt to explain to confused-looking people who I am and why I am there. It is likely that Sir Michael of Hutchinson will also be in attendance, possibly in a prominent role. I’m looking forward to the showdown; it’s going to be more Alan Bates vs Oliver Reed than Conor Macgregor and Jose Aldo.

I think people pay good money to see that kind of thing. I know the fraternity also wants to see this rumbling gang-war resolved, once and for all. There are only so many combs for bald men to fight over.

I have to write a new speech. I suspect it’s going to be an old-school gig, sans powerpoint. I was looking forward to wowing the audience with my chequerboard transitions and handclap sound effects. I shall have to wow them with untempered rhetorical force instead.

I have learnt many things over the past 12 months, but one life lesson stands out. After the anxiety of Raphagate, I am certain of one thing: i will not be cracking any louche one-liners aimed at the CTT, especially when they are paying for my board and lodgings.

At some point between now and 16 January I may even try to get out on my bicycle for more than 27 minutes. One thing at a time though.