Post-parody, post-post, post-everything cycling

We were discussing ‘Zwift’ the other day. It’s all the rage in the same way that strava was all the rage a few years back,  and as such it’s also polarising opinion quite quickly. Far be it for me to have strong opinions about these things. The general consensus is that anything that makes the turbo a better experience is a good thing. However, nothing makes the turbo a better experience than not using the fucking thing in the first place, so I don’t quite get the sudden virtual seduction of otherwise hardy winter cyclists. Anyway, that’s another blog for another day, with multiple layers of reality just waiting to be virtually explored, all undertaken whilst staying in the same place.

The discussion of zwift saw a ‘friend of a friend’ link to these chaps:

ec1-collective

He knew what he was doing. “Hey, PJ, have you seen these guys?” he typed, with a coquettish smile and a flirty emoji.

I love a good pre-vetting. Is that an extra layer of vetting? How many layers of vetting does a collective need these days?  I always thought that the word ‘collective’ was quite benign, soviet farming notwithstanding, but it’s acquiring increasingly sinister undertones. I’d go so far as to argue that it’s undergoing pejoration.

strengthen_working_discipline_in_collective_farms_-_uzbek_tashkent_1933_mardjani
The EC1 squad link arms to ward off the unaggregated and ungranular hoi-polloi

“The EC1 Collective was founded on strong principles that seek to advocate the interests of its members before all else. We’re not a cycling club in the traditional sense but rather a community of like-minded bike enthusiasts whose propensity to enjoy the finer things is maximised through an aggregated representation. Our aim is to move past the current marketing model of the UK cycling industry where manufacturers & retailers define the value exchange. Instead, our high-net-worth members have empowered themselves under a collective voice, the EC1 Collective, that see’s them dictate the value and experiences they want.”

I’m unsure of these ‘strong principles’. When I was very small I remember my Mum took me to church one Christmas. The Vicar pulled out all the stops on the sermon and gave it some welly about how hell is so terrible because you get everything you want and yet you still want more, you do your bidding, and it’s riven by insatiable avarice and personal desire. I remember at the time thinking that it didn’t sound all that bad. He then said Heaven was much better because you did what Jesus wanted all the time, you did his bidding. It seemed complicated, but to my 7 year old self it made heaven seem like an elaborate hell for Jesus, riven by his insatiable avarice and personal desire, which I didn’t think was the intention. Either way, this dualistic vision of the inferno seems to have several undercurrents with the EC1 “philosophy”, a social model predicated entirely on exchange value and net-worth. It’s the apotheosis of the current wave of materialism and has to be the most loathsome combination of high-capitalism and cycling I’ve yet seen.

“Through this reverse marketing model they are driven directly to the most relevant sources of trade. Our data driven model enables this granular matching up process.”

“Say hello to our community founder Mike and plan your next corporate ride out into the hills. With our industry connections we can piece together a ride or social occasion that’ll knock the cycling socks off your clients. We’ve also piece together many team building days / weekends based on varying abilities. Challenge your team to a ride out that’ll stir the sensing and leave them pumped & positive for the year ahead.”

I’d like to say hello to Mike, but I’m not sure that the granular matching up process would lead me within a hundred miles of him and his stooges, out on their triple-bongo winter bikes, which isn’t to say i don’t want my sensing stirred, it’s just that maximising my aggregated representation isn’t probably the way to do it. Maybe I’m just adrift of the times. Unlike the current POTUS who seems very much in tune with this model.

donaldtrumphuffy-copy2
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, reverse marketing and granular matching up and aggregated representation. These are a few of my favourite things. 

 

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10 thoughts on “Post-parody, post-post, post-everything cycling

  1. bringmemyfix February 13, 2017 / 2:16 pm

    Aaaargh, more cunts sullying my postcode.

  2. Mark Bradley February 13, 2017 / 4:08 pm

    This hardy soul would never venture out at 9pm on a cold wet winter evening – or does that disqualify me from assuming the epithet?

    • traumfahrrad February 13, 2017 / 7:38 pm

      You can assume it… watch out for the zwift post. there are lots of caveats.

  3. Jon Rollapaluza Warner February 13, 2017 / 6:57 pm

    I thought you might unlock your turbo trainer rant of old and the famous eBay advert! im with you on zwift much prefer 72″ Fixed for winter I love reading how these zwifters are mid way through a ride and their computer fails

  4. Dennis Davis February 14, 2017 / 7:21 am

    Sigh, sounds like a Bullingdon Club for Bicyclists. I suppose it was bound to happen. You’ll have trouble topping this blog post on April 1st.

    • traumfahrrad February 14, 2017 / 8:08 am

      Casual, self-justifying elitism, the best kind.

  5. VELOEVOLVE February 15, 2017 / 7:32 pm

    Having been to their hideous website I am still not entirely convinced that this isn’t an elaborate hoax.

    • traumfahrrad February 15, 2017 / 8:07 pm

      i had that moment recently. I wondered if it is all a hoax. maybe it is.

  6. vfreak99 February 17, 2017 / 12:51 pm

    This, Sir, is first class comment. Hat.

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